Dave Schoenfield, You Sir Are an Idiot

In homage to throwback FJM i will write this article in standard FJM fashion, writing what the article says, and breaking down each miserable statement.


ESPN’s Dave Schoenfield argues why Harper is an All Star despite him being elected based off of Mike Stanton’s injury.

Bryce Harper an All Star? Absolutely!

Yes please do try and justify this one, you jamoke.

What’s the news? That Bryce Harper is an All-Star after all. Sure, he may have taken the back entrance to make it into the All-Star Game.

Well you just proved your own point wrong by saying he “may have taken the back entrance..” Wait a second, there has to be a gay joke in there somewhere right?

It might seem premature. Harper is hitting .283 AVG/.355 OBP/.475 SLG, with eight steals and eight homers. That’s good, but is that an All-Star? I’ll argue that it is. 

Premature it is my fine sir. .283 average? This tells me nothing, I have no interest in BA. .355 OBP? okay thats solid. .475 SLG? Nothing to write mom home about.  8 steals is standard and 8 bombs is really average.  Im not sure how he can argue that these are All Star Numbers given that another rookie in Will Middlebrooks has better numbers in far less plate appearances (see my previous post) let alone the rest of the AL.

If you’re hitched to the notion of absolute, immutable standards it might seem contradictory that the roster’s made up of newly minted big leaguers at the same time that it’s honoring Chipper Jones in what has already been an injury-shortened final season for the future Hall of Famer. But that’s the All-Star Game in a nutshell: There is no absolute standard of who is and who isn’t an All-Star.

Uhhhhhhh. Hold on. Let’s see. You want the All Star game rosters to be made up of Old guys who got pity votes, and Young Bucks who aren’t really All Stars but are young and fun and the crowd loves them? So fuck Jose Bautista and his gazillion home runs. He’s 31, no one wants to see a guy in the middle/end prime of his career! Maybe if he was 5 years older! Yeah this makes tons of sense Dave.

Of yeah and there should be a standard of who’s an All Star. How about the guys with the best numbers..you Jabroni.

After all, Harper’s now the youngest position player to make it to the All-Star Game. Who did Harper, who turns 20 in October, take the honor from? That would be Twins catcher Butch Wynegar, in 1976, four months past his 20th birthday. Wynegar wasn’t an injury replacement or the token Twin (Rod Carew won the fan ballot at first base), and after hitting .294/.402/.426 at the break as a rookie, you can be generous and accept that Wynegar had earned an All-Star look as the third catcher behind Thurman Munson and Carlton Fisk. 

Maybe that’s a warning to Harper, because Wynegar’s career was a bit of letdown from there. If you actually remember Wynegar, you’re probably a Twins fan who had a long wait until 1987 ahead of you, or a Yankees fan who endured the dark days of the Boss-led ’80s. Either way, hats off to you for enduring. 

Wynegar had a pretty nasty .402 OBP a 3.8 WAR so he was actually pretty damn good in 1976. Also: Wynegar was a 2nd round pick.  Harper was the 1st pick overall.  I don’t think Bryce needs a warning from you, or to look to Butch Wynegar (how random, right?) as even a remote comparison of how he can turn out.  Besides the fact that Harper is a CF/ OF and has the arm of a cannon and the bat speed of a God… which Wynegar and his 10 HR career best clearly did not possess.

It’s also newsworthy that we’ve got a record five rookies in the All-Star Game, as Harper joinsWade Miley, Mike Trout, Yu Darvish and Oakland’s token, Ryan Cook, in Kansas City. Does that diminish the game any? Absolutely not. On some basic level it’s fun to see fresh faces. Is it unjust that Darvish is in and Jake Peavy is out? Of course it is. 

Im not sure why it’s “Oakland’s token” because if he plays that card then he’s have to say “Boston’s token, Big Papi”.  But I have to agree with that last sentence, Yu Darvish is not having a better year than Peavs. This is unjust!

That, in a nutshell, is why it’s worth throwing a parade right now this instant, now that Harper is going to be in the All-Star Game.

Im sorry what? Now we’re throwing parad’s for the game just because one NL rookie who doesn’t deserve to be there but is still highly entertaining to watch is going? That makes no sense.  No parades for the ASG. Just no.

Dave Schoenfield should stop writing, and he should have done it yesterday.



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