Yahoo Stole My Shit

Yeah. Right after I go on this huge rant about how great B-Ham is, they decide to post up some shit right there smack dab on the front page.  Shit on the little man.  Thanks Bin-Laden. They even used the same Future’s game picture as me. Reaaaal Sweet.  I find it my fiduciary duty to tear this man’s article to pieces. Here we go.

Reds farmhand Billy Hamilton might be the fastest player ever; has 104 stolen bases this year

By Jeff Passan

Now it all makes sense. There had to be something that goads Billy Hamilton into doing everything fast. He talks quicker than John Moschitta Jr.. He eats with breeziness that would make Joey Chestnut blush. And when he runs – well, let’s just say Billy Hamilton may run the bases faster than any baseball player in history, Bo Jackson and Deion Sanders included.

 “It’s the Dew,” Hamilton said.

That’s right. Forget the amphetamines, the 5-Hour Energy, the Monster, the Red Bull and every other dignity-sucking energy drink. 

Fun angle Passan. Yeah I’m sure Mountain Dew toyed with Billy’s genetics while he was in the womb and blessed him not only with the speed of a gazelle, but also he made him black.  Hats off to you on this amazing research Jeff. You really dug deeper than any journalist has before..


To watch Hamilton run is to see a finely tuned machine churning in beautiful synchronicity. Each of his pieces and parts flexes and tenses harmoniously, unleashing a torrent of fast-twitch fury. Hamilton drove a ball to center field, which Jae-Hoon Ha misplayed, and off he went, third base a birthright. He slid mostly for show. Sometimes it’s as if God couldn’t throw out Hamilton.

Ohhhh i see what’s going on here. Jeff clearly has a man crush on Billy. Wait a second…

“Im gonna cut myself off here because my boner for this guy is getting out of control.  New Man crush? That’s a clown question, bro”  

I already established my man crush first. SO HAH.

Also, I’m pretty sure any respected and/or worshipped Deity could throw out Billy if he wanted to. And probably smite him as well.

I was going to continue ripping this man a new one but I read through the whole thing and it’s pretty obvious this dude plagiarized me. So I’ll leave it at that. I know you guys know what’s up.


Keep it real, and don’t plagiarize my work assholes.


Larry Bobcat Jeffries


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